A transcript of a meeting between Len Brown (LB), Paul Walden (PW), Chair of the Waiheke Local Board, and Becs Ballard (BB), Waiheke Local Board member, about building a swimming pool on Waiheke.
PW: It's an honour to meet you, your inspirational worship, you are a role model for me that I can only aspire to be.
LB: Good to meet you to, Peter. I see you have cottoned on to the benefits of public office quickly
PW: What? Oh, no, your Mayorfulness, this is Board Member Ballard.
LB: Course it is, course it is, you old dog you. Now, how can I help?
BB: We want a swimming pool
LB: Do you indeed? Well, young lady, when is your birthday?
BB: No, not me, although it will come in handy for the little ones. No, it's for Waiheke, a community pool.
LB: What's that? Community? You mean publicly funded?
BB: Yes. You said you would help
LB: Did I? Are you sure? Have you got that in writing?
PW: I think what Barbie means is we need your support to reallocate funds from other channels.
LB: Ah, now, that's more like it, Peter
PW: Actually it's Paul
LB: Is it? Whatever. My point is this. In times like this we must all tighten our belts for the common good. This city wants a city rail link, and to be the most liveable city in the world. And that's what I am going to achieve. Len's legacy, a truly magnificent future. You see, I have a dream........
BB: But you promised........
LB: Election promises mean nothing, you silly cow. Surely you must realise that?
PW: What Barbie means, your sustainabilityness, is that we got elected on the basis of certain things that we said, and if we don't deliver them, we might not get elected again.
LB: Really? It hasn't stopped me.
BB: But it's not fair.......
LB: Unlike your lovely hair
BB: Do you think so? Actually, I am thinking about going red for a bit, do you reckon it will look awesome?
LB: I can't imagine anything stopping you looking awesome, my dear. Tell me, would you be interested in joining the city's new focus group. Just a small, select gathering, meet once a week in a motel at Pukekohe?
PW: Anyway, back to the swimming pool. Can you help in anyway?
LB: Sorry Pete, it's a no this time I am afraid. Anyway, why do you need a pool, you have all those lovely safe beaches?
BB: It's to stop children drowning.
LB: I see. Hmm, that does sound like a vote winner. And this happens a lot, does it?
BB: Well, no, not exactly. In fact it's never happened, but it could, you never know.
PW: It's about being sustainably resilient, you see. Denise told me so. And I could help build it, I need the work, to be honest, things have been a bit slow, I blew my LB salary on some new wheels....
LB: Look, this is the best I can do - offer some sound advice. Distract the public. Commission some feasibility studies. Come up with some other ideas to focus their attention elsewhere.
PW: Yes. Actually, we already did that.
LB: Oh. Looks like you are dead in the water then. Never mind. Before you go, has anyone got Jo Holmes' cellphone number?