10 things we can expect to see on social media in the run up to the Waiheke local elections.
Not long now until the tri-annual Donnybrook that is the Waiheke LB elections, and this one is shaping up to be a Lallapaloosa!
Social media will be alive and buzzing for months, and so we thought we should provide a handy guide to some of the predicted highlights!
1. March of the Sock Puppets
Ever since the last election, the haters cabal have been quietly creating false facebook identities and inserting them into unsuspecting online communities, ready for the time when, one by one, they can emerge, tell lies and make awful but unsubstantiated accusations against their opponents, then vanish back to obscurity.
Look out for improbable and implausible names like Catriona Donut, Ursula Mountain and Simon Mansfield.
2. Jo Holmes burned at the (metaphorical) stake
It is, in certain quarters, a well known fact that Jo Homes personally and single-handedly ruined Waiheke. A regular consumer of new born babies, an advocate for multiple marinas and a proponent of island apartheid, Holmes is also infamous for trousering 95% of all LB budgets and squandering them on dog grooming products in her time on the LB.
Or so you might believe if you listen to the hate filled rhetoric on one particular facebook page.
The truth is rather different. Ms Holmes was a superb board member, so much so that she was seen as the cornerstone of continuity, and therefore the one who must be taken down if certain "other" parties, were to gain control of the not insubstantial budget.
It is likely that during this election the haters cabal will cite her and her track record at every available opportunity, in the most malignant terms, irrespective of the topic under discussion.
3. Alan "there's an ‘I’ in it" Knight being right about everything.
If you are disenchanted with Google, don't worry, Waiheke has its very own font of all wisdom to give you the right answer to those tricky questions, in the form of Al Knight. Actually he's better than google, because he doesn't wait to be asked. He'll tell you anyway, especially when you are wrong. And don't worry, he won't be quoting someone else, no, Al I am, as he likes to call himself, always qualifies everything he says as his own by inserting the word "I" an improbably large number of times. Honestly, the bloke's a legend. Or is that leg end, I can never remember. I know, I'll ask him, he's bound to know.
4. Paul Walden telling everyone he's had enough (except of being chair)
Paul's method of campaigning is of the bluff, old fashioned type. Careless of his ill-kempt appearance, this latter day Mel Smith lookalike likes to stride across the stage, denouncing existing boards with the parrot cry "I've had enough".
This powerful rhetoric was employed against the incumbent LB with great success, but his position as Chair of the current LB may render a repeat of this tactic somewhat ironic. Look out for more, equally persuasive slogans this time round such as "Nearly there", "Twice would be nice" and "I'm not Jo Holmes".
It will, doubtless, be a compelling campaign, and if that fails, there's always the rabbit angle.
5. Roaches on the move
You can bet your bottom dollar there will be a massive increase in roach activity prior to the elections. Scurrying here, hurrying there, generally annoying people: nasty, dirty pests which should be eradicated. Waiheke suffers a plague of them, and they are especially active when there’s dirty work to be done.
6. Shirin Brown copping a lot of flack
A committed, if generally misguided LB member, Shirin is in fact exactly the sort of person you want on the LB. She actually cares about the best interests of the community. Sadly this has proved her undoing, along with her regular brave stands against Chairman Paul, who will seek to have her removed and replaced with another dumb acolyte who says "yes Paul" with inevitable regularity. So Shirin is in for some stick on Facebook. Expect to hear she is secretly working for Fullers, Jo Holmes' illegitimate daughter, or worst of all, pro marina.
7. Becs Ballard changing her hair colour
When Becs swore, on her honour, pinky promise, to deliver a community pool in 3 years, the masses were ecstatic; and Becs, like others in her family, loves to spread a bit of ecstasy around the community! But she cleverly omitted to mention which 3 years. Although technically this means it is not the greatest electoral lie ever told, it is nonetheless seen as such by many in the community who feel disappointed, let down, misled or downright deceived. Many in her position would slink away, ashamed of how they have failed. But nappies are expensive, and the extra money is useful, so expect Becs to run again. Doubtless, having once successfully taken the community for mugs, Becs will assume that a simple change of hair colour will be enough to make Waihekeans think she is someone else.
8. Launch of the new Waiheke Scone Lovers page on Facebook
Candidate in waiting Merran Lawyer has already been noted in the local press calling for ratepayer funded budget to feed her scone habit. Should she be elected, she will doubtless make scones an ever present factor in local matters. A larger than life character, Merran is an acknowledge expert in planning, environmental matters and shipping routes. The haters cabal will consider her a substantial asset on the LB and will inevitably give her their backing. We keenly anticipate her repudiation of the masses: "let them eat scones"
9. Dr Kelvin Applecart.
A lot of valuable, if repetitive background information about a childhood in Liverpool in the 60s. Let’s face it, our entire society today is heavily influences, shaped even, by 1960s socio-economic conditions at No. 4. Charlatan St, Bootle. So it’s critically important we hear about it over and over again, ad infinitum. And you won’t be disappointed!
One of Waiheke’s 6 best foot doctors, is an ever present on social media, and always willing to share a fascinating, albeit somewhat repetitive insight into his childhood, which is of course the single most relevant set of experiences to everything in the world today. We anticipate a positive Tsunami of his frothing guilt-ridden Socialism throughout the LB elections.
10. Big Mick Tavares making a comeback
Big Mick (god, don't you love irony) suffered something of a set back recently when he was publicly denounced as a bird chasing charlatan by former BF Dr Kev, since when ‘The Tassie Tarzan’ has taken refuge in a tree. But he'll be back, his unique brand of self-flagellating bike-riding feminism is irrepressible. If you are not familiar with his name, it's because on social media he hides behind the nom de plume "The Wild Nerd". And he’s the one who posts and runs, knowing in his heart that his particular brand of crap is indefensible.