3am. Somewhere in Wellington. The phone rings.
Wha, who, watsit, eh. Urgh. Hallo. This is Russel.
Russel, John Key. How are you?
What? Bloody oath, it's 3am. Who are you, you joker, and what the bloody hell are you doing ringing me at this time of night?
It's John Key, Russel. Your prime minister. I have something important to discuss. I want you to be my Minister of Environment.
You bloody what? OK, come on, who is this. Is that you, Tavares you stupid twat?
Russel, it's John Key. Look, if you don't believe me, do you want me to prove it by reading out all the emails you sent today?
What? Oh, er no, better not. Sorry John, I was fast asleep. Say that again please?
I want you to be the Minister for the Environment.
Really? I mean why?
Well, it turns out I really do want a better New Zealand. I'm putting the old team back together, us, ACT, United Future and the Maoris, but we lack someone who's really got their finger on the pulse of environment issues, so what say we let bygones be bygones and you take a seat on the front bench?
Well yes, of course, I mean, well now John, it sounds good, I'd need to know more about it. Would I get full Ministerial privileges?
A car and chauffeur?
And diplomatic protection?
Goes with the job, Russel.
Then I'm your man, Prime Minister.
Excellent. Listen, Russel, could we use your cleaner smarter slogan?
For sure, help yourself mate.
Thanks, Russel. And one more thing. Could you lose the Turei woman?
Sure thing pal, I'll ditch the bitch in the morning, first thing. Oh, this is going to be great, in government, front benches, I can't wait. How many cellphones will I get John?
As many as you need, Russel. Yesssss!
OK, John, I'll be in first thing tomorrow. 10am alright?
Sure, Russel, whenever suits, we won't start with out you. Sleep well. **********************
9.15am Alarm clock rings
Warra. ooooorr. Shit. Gotta get to the Beehive, see the new boss. Woohoo, Minister Norman, your life begins today. Jeez, what time did he call me last night, must have been bloody late. Hang on, that's odd. My cellphone shows no record of a call. Oh shit, it was all a bloody dream.