by Jerry Flay
A 2nd cousin of mine, we've never actually met, but are firm facebook friends, works at the Tokelau High Commission on the intelligence side. Whilst listening in to random phone calls from NZ, he picked this one up and thought I might be interested.
1am Sunday morning.
Ja? Who is it?
Kim it's me.
Honkey? Vat are you doing ringing me zo late? Und why is der voice all funny?
No Kim, it's me. Laila. Little Lailai Oh. Kim, I'm distraught. With Davis beating Honkey, we have no seats. It's all been for nothing.
Ja, es nicht gut. At least we still have each other though. Vas? nein, Laila, zat was only until zer election, I haf told you zo many times.
Oh but Kim, you can't mean that, I thought you were joking. All those times we spent together, all those things you told me to say, I did it all for you, Kim, and now this? You are giving me up?
You bastard. You total swine. I lied for you, I compromised my political integrity, I bent over backwards....
Ja, es gut, otherwise I would have to be looking at der face when I was giving you one. Der instant limpy, I am thinking.
What? Oh, that's horrible, I had my hair done especially like that for you. Even John Key admired it.
Ja, he is der big joker. Just look at der National statistics, haha
I hate you. I have a good mind to defect to the National party and spill all your secrets.
You haven't been in der National party yet? Is the only one, yes?
Oh. It's too much. John won't treat me like this. He'll respect my integrity, my savvy campaigning, my loyalty. Good bye Kim, we won't speak again, I belong to John now. Do you hear me? Kim? Kim? Hello?